Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Thoughts on masculinity: specifically, how to preserve it while selecting your figure skating costume.

I like to pretend that Olympic athletes read my blog. So I'd like to provide any male figure skaters that may be perusing this during their free time in Vancouver with a helpful scorecard to help them determine the answers to one of life's toughest questions.

How manly is YOUR costume?
You are wearing pants: +5
You are wearing a shirt: +5
Shirt has an asymmetrical hemline: -1
Plunging V-neck: -2
V-neck plunges below your belly button: -5
Chest hair protruding from plunging V-neck: +3
More than 20% of the fabric in your costume is pink: -2
Sequins cover more than 30% of your outfit: -4
Sequins are in the shape of something manly, like a sword: +2
Sequins are scattered randomly throughout the fabric to give you that all-over fairylike glow: -1
Your pants have cargo pockets: +3
Cargo pockets are holding your keys, wallet, and/or a Swiss army knife: +1
You are from Switzerland and acquired your Swiss Army knife there: +4
Cargo pockets are holding Chap-Stick: -2
You are wearing a necklace: -3
Your necklace has multiple charms dangling from it: -1
Your shirtsleeves are SHEER: -4
Your costume contains ruffles: -1 point for each ruffle
Ruffles are pink: -1 additionally for each

UPDATE, 2.17.10
I was just informed of THIS. As a result, I have added several categories to the score sheet.


christen [good day sunshine] said...

hilarious, and i totally agree with all of it. BUT.. i heart johnny weir.

Andrew said...

hahaha... this reminds me of a convo I was having w/ friends when figure skating was on the other day. there's got to be a way to figure skate as a dude w/out totally emasculating yourself. my idea? choreographed ice martial arts to really badass music.

Debbie said...

I laughed all the way through this (but unfortunately am reading it too late to actually rate any Olympians.)